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Angelus's Journal


Angelus's Journal

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26 entries this month
 

My mood on Tuesday...

14:46 Mar 31 2011
Times Read: 803


My mood on Tuesday was a part of the flipside of manic depression .. one never truly recovers from it.







COMMENTS

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SaveAway Day

13:55 Mar 31 2011
Times Read: 804


On Wednesday after going to the dentist I went travelling on the day Save-Away I’d bought. After I had acquired the Seven Seas and a particular joint-ease my Father wanted, I called on a friend in Wallasey. Running late, as ever, I had left his and found a lollipop in my bag that I sucked to the stick, on my walk back to the station.

Come the evening, I visited karl, to help him if he needed and acquired some new tv shows instead, like ‘Fringe’ and ‘Stargate Universe.’


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Lying back in the dark...

23:15 Mar 29 2011
Times Read: 820


Lying back in the dark, I listened to my thoughts; dark as they were. Then the phone rang. It was the neighbor, a little drunk, “Are you coming round? Dennis is done well in his operation and we’re celebrating…” Well, I had to refuse politely twice, finally explaining that ‘coz of the biopsy, I don’t feel like being sociable. Perhaps it the biopsy, or the chest infection, or the cramping of my fingers and the pain in my wrist a reminder of my own mortality, but my feelings of elevation and dark moods are getting more extreme. My self-imposed isolation is the result and a symptom. And, as I type, the cramping in the fingers of my left hand just seem to exasperate it all some what. Aye, my self-imposed isolation and the friends that I know, its just another symptom perhaps? My little Mother taught me to be a gentleman, which is a very old-fashioned concept now, but it led me to anticipate things to be more than they are. I try, do my best and, expect others to do the same, often finding myself disappointed, when expectation doesn’t meet with reality. And, truth be told, I think there’s more than a little of my adoption in my efforts to be a people pleaser mixed up in all that, something that I learnt to control somewhat eventually, through confidence class and, a lot of self-realization. Heck, how many can say they know themselves? And, by the time I was thirty-six, I could say that, exactly that and yet, I still find a multiplicity of things to question, every second, of every minute, of every day. Which brings me to why this ramble started, friendship; both real-time and virtual, or virtually real, or VR, as in Vampire Rave. I expect a lot from my friends, yet no more than I would give. So when someone doesn’t acknowledge a gift, or doesn’t appreciate an act, I feel slighted. And, that’s been the way for decades, my disappointment in the action, or non-action of friends, in response to something that I have, or have done, can leave me cold empty, desolate. And, as I write, it has happened once more and that darkness descended and, the funny thing, the person that I consider responsible will never know, for they will not read this, nor would any of this mean much, to them, I think.


COMMENTS

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BluSpirit
BluSpirit
16:22 Mar 30 2011

True enough.





RedQueen
RedQueen
18:20 Mar 30 2011

My father raised me to have a good work ethic- imparted primarily because I worked with him for 10 years. I thank God every day that I am now married to a man who also worked for his dad, and shares the same ethics, when so many these days think that just showing up (although rarely on time) entitles them to something in a job.



It happens to the best of us honey- when you are feeling better, and moving about as you usually do, those dark thoughts will evaporate in the midday sun like errant snowflakes...





moonkissed
moonkissed
14:59 Mar 31 2011

In a way I am the opposite I expect nothing from people that does not serve themselves and so when I offer an act of kindness or compassion I never expect a reward.

Sometimes I am surprised and my response is queer, I rather than feeling elated over discovering a kindness or generosity in someone else; wonder instead, what will I owe for this?





 

'Human Centipede' at night, '22 Bullets' in the morning.

00:34 Mar 28 2011
Times Read: 833


Well it seems I’m still as big a kid as I imagined; so no surprise there then. I missed Tim Allen in ‘Zoom’ twice. Then today, as the weather picked up, I went out to put seaweed stuff on the privet, then water the lawns and see to the gravy for the meal, having missed the beginning, yet again. As it was, I got the rest taped. It might be a kids movie’, but I loved it. A heckuvva change from what I watched the previous night. Just before I put my clocks forward and went to bed, I had watched ‘Human Centipede’, a film whose title aptly describes it. To discover at the end, in the titles, that it was Dutch and, part Japanese was like, “Ah, that explains it.” Then come the morning, well less than eight hours later thanks to Dad getting up and turning the radio on in the kitchen, I rose to watch ’22 Bullets’ starring Jean Reno, which many critics panned and, I loved. All of which brings me back to ‘Zoom’, as I still haven’t seen the beginning and, I’d like to.


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Sore Saturday

00:26 Mar 27 2011
Times Read: 841


After the camera and biopsy... I’m a little sore, still and, am not really looking forward to a ‘vicious’ emptying, prior to going back in several weeks, for a longer more flexible camera...


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... perched on a bullrush

00:14 Mar 26 2011
Times Read: 848


‘Twas a sunny morning Friday morning and, I had been going to walk: but Dad offered me a lift, saying he’d go on shopping afterward. He dropped me off on the main road, just before the roundabout, so I could walk over the stones and across the waste ground, where the old hospital had stood, then to out-patients.



I’d made my way to the clerk’s desk and saw my name on ‘the list’, feeling more than a little apprehensive. As I got ready for the exam, the nurse put me at ease, by picking up the book sitting with my clothes ‘Micah’, an Anita Blake novel, written by Laurel K. Hamilton, which had led to me rambling on about writing. And that ramble continued at the doctor arrived, did his colorectal exam; then a camera and then, removed a polyp.



Before I got dressed, he told me I’d be back, as ‘we like to make sure we’ve got everything’. He’d then explained that the next camera would be and flexible and longer: and the nurse had informed me that what they gave me would ensure I’d be well-clean for the colonoscopy. And, next time, I’d be under a local anesthetic, so I’d have to be picked up: so no walking home.



As it was, it was the walking home on a pleasant day that had made the experience bearable. I recall at one point, after my wander in the woods, I saw the smallest bird ever, smaller even than a Jenny Wren, perched on a Bull-rush, as a Great Tit had sung it’s song overhead and, I’d taken photo’s.


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23:35

23:35 Mar 24 2011
Times Read: 854


just got in from project.. and finished my soup, prior to an early night... guess who's quietly terrified ... 'bout tomorrow?


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"gunk"

17:16 Mar 24 2011
Times Read: 863


I went to the doctors, 'bout the sinusitis.

am told I have 'gunk on my lungs'.. wonderful way of saying Bronchitis.


COMMENTS

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moonkissed
moonkissed
18:56 Mar 24 2011

Bet they blamed smoking or some garbage like they always do.





PAGAN
PAGAN
19:42 Mar 24 2011

ach poor you. Rest up and take care of yourself. No more late nights for a while! @};-





 

In 1959 ...

00:31 Mar 24 2011
Times Read: 867


I sat down to watch the tail-end of a documentary about Blackpool on BBC4. It had seemed from the footage I saw that in 1959, the year of my birth, the illuminations were turned on by Jayne Mansfield. I was really tickled by the tongue-tied manner of the town’s Mayor, all in his regalia, as he tried not to stare at her… chest, as he introduced her, just prior to the ‘big’ switch-on. And boy, was she gracious.


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**Sighs**

22:35 Mar 23 2011
Times Read: 874


Now college is over, I've developed Sinusitis.. and come Friday, a camera goes were the sun don't shine…


COMMENTS

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moonkissed
moonkissed
22:57 Mar 23 2011

Thank you for the visual. hehe

How did you get the sinusitis? Do you have pollen allergies?





NoctusAngelusProcella
NoctusAngelusProcella
23:58 Mar 23 2011

nice steamy tea and brandy helps to open the nasal passages!





 

I ofter wonder...

00:07 Mar 21 2011
Times Read: 891


I often wonder why people turn up out of the blue, as it were and say to me, ‘Haven’t seen you for ages’, then disappear again. Now, it could be my soap, or it could be a myriad of things, but every time it happens, they blame themselves and not me: though, truth be told, who would know what the reason is? Not me.


COMMENTS

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BluSpirit
BluSpirit
06:21 Mar 22 2011

Well, I know when *I* say that to a friend that I haven't seen for awhile, it IS me. I am TERRIBLE at keeping in touch! Partly cause I hate talking on the phone (that's what 7+ years working in a call center will do to a person) and partly because I hate making plans, I am more the type to just randomly meet up.



Luckily, I am blessed with friends who realize these faults, and don't seem to take offense when I do randomly send them a message (usually either text or facebook) and they are FANTASTIC about making time for my "out of the blue, want to meet me for dinner tomorrow" attitude.





moonkissed
moonkissed
22:58 Mar 23 2011

Usually it is my own fault.





 

... no way José.

23:30 Mar 20 2011
Times Read: 893


The end of this Full Moon cycle see a busy week ahead of me and, I have a sore throat, college, the dole and a camera going where the sun don’t shine. All-in all, its one helluvva way to start a week: Yet, having gone through a few things in my Life thus far, a sore throat and feeling ‘under the weather’ will not stop me, no way José.


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The Full-Moon and Battlefield Los Angeles

19:59 Mar 19 2011
Times Read: 897


When I got in, Dad was still up, as expected; even though I’d taken my keys. And, having made my coffee, for the morning, I retired, to type and watch ‘Stargate Universe series two, episode two, with the white robe and, my cap still on.



[[It’s the good thing about having the trolley and, one laptop on top of the other.]]



Peering through the curtains, it seemed almost light outside, the sky was a kinda royal blue and the Moon was oh-so full bright and seemingly very close and so often when there’s a Full-Moon I don’t sleep well: well, I figured that wouldn’t be the case.



It’d been a long-day, but interesting, to say the least.



At the Azda, we’d been doing our weekly shop, when horror-upon horrors, the routine had been broken, as the Azda vegatable pizza we buy had been de-listed.



Well, being the so-an-so I am, I’d asked about it, which is how I learnt it was de-listed and, how we got one given to us ‘to try’, “for free” I assured Dad when he displayed reticence in it’s acquisition.



And, as I was doing my thing, Debbie the Psycho hose-beast had stood just down the aisle from me, chatting to a customer, quite obviously ‘unaware’ that I was there and, moments later, she was gone.



Karl had phoned, a tad miffed, it seems the cinema we’d intended to go to was doing audio translations all week for the film, so he’d asked later, when were they not, as I learnt in his second call. It seems that it was just something that could be accessed, so we decided to go see a film we’d intended for many months, it being “on the list”: ‘Battlefield Los Angeles.’



Well, just five minutes before I was to leave home, to go meet Karl, the phone rang. Thinking it was Karl and, something had gone wrong, I dashed to answer it.



“You’re not going to put the phone straight, are you?” I was asked, which seemed to indicate to me that I should’ve, but instead I had answered, “No, why should I?”



It was as he continued to speak that I realised I knew the voice, ‘It was Mike’, the guy who fucked off my friendship for money and weed.



“You got it all wrong over what I said y’know…” He said, then carried on, “what are you doing? I got some really good…”



So, I’d told him I was off to the pictures, “on your own?” He asked, knowing full well I used to do that a lot.



“Uh-huh..” I retorted, then said, “Gotta go.”



And I had to go, as I was running late. And besides, Michelle Rodriguez was in ‘Battlefield Los Angeles’, which was my original reason for wanting to see it.



Travelling through town was not my idea of fun, particularly as I got hassled by some young teens and, one of ‘em really took exception to my hat.



As it was, I got to Karl’s and, we got to the cinema in time for the trailers, which he likes: ‘Sucker Punch’ is now added to ‘the list’.



And, though a lot of stuff has been said about the film, I’m glad I dismissed it all, as it was ever-so well worth seeing, being the sort of film that both Karl and I could enjoy and, we had.



At 10:30 it had ended and Karl walked me to the station, where a definite surfeit of transport police had been waiting there. We went through and, onto the platform and just about six minutes later, the train arrived.



By the time I finished typing later, I had seen ‘Stargate Universe’, which was an excellent start to the new season and, episode twelve of series eleven of C.S.I. which had been a homage to the films of the late forties and early fifties, like those of Phillip Marlowe, a proper film noir, with as a co-star, Dita Von Teese.



And then, it’d been straight to bed: at 01:59 of Saturday morning.













COMMENTS

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... no Battlefield

22:46 Mar 16 2011
Times Read: 915


I just woke. Karl phoned in the afternoon: seems his Mother has been moved to a high dependency ward, so that news left me wondering whether or not I’d be going to the flicks with him.



Come 4:30, there’d been no phone-call yet and, that’d been my travelling time. And, my mouth was aching badstyle. And, while I was worrying about his Mother, I was also peeved off that I had missed the chance of seeing Battlefield: Los Angeles, which Karl and I had so wanted to see. But, with a tender jaw, general lassitude and a little irritation, perhaps it worked out for the best, as long as his Mother is alright that is.


COMMENTS

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crowgirl
crowgirl
02:51 Mar 17 2011

Hunny! I feel so sorry for you, ad Karl's mother. I hope she'll pull through- the nurses on those wards are amazing in caring for their patients, I know.



And I hope you've alot of pain relief for your poorly tooth. I'm sorry I couldn't be online the oher day. My iternet failed me :(





 

My hole is massive!

15:41 Mar 16 2011
Times Read: 918


I spent Tuesday feeling quite exhausted, after a long, long Monday, so I went a long walk, to enjoy the feeling of ‘just being’. I called on a friend in Wallasey and had my passbook returned to me, which was cool. I heard from Mandy in the evening, which was well sound, as I had be looking forward to it, for awhile.



Come Tuesday, I woke up pretty early, my gut taut, as I knew full well that in just a few hours I’d be having a tooth out, at the back, a biting tooth, pretty well my last biting tooth at the back.



I did have a problem opening my mouth wide, as the removal of one at my tooth at Hospital had entail a dislocation of the jaw. Yet, thankfully, the extraction wasn’t painful, as the injections took well.



Karl phoned in the afternoon: seems his Mother has been moved to a high dependency ward, so that news left me wondering whether or not I’d be going to the flicks with him.


COMMENTS

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“Where did you read that?” I asked.

00:56 Mar 15 2011
Times Read: 923


I awoke the second time at ten 0’clock and arose a tad annoyed that I’d missed the documentary about ‘the fat cats’ that my Father and I had been going to watch.



Monday had been one really very long day. I’d got up at seven, prepped the onions and gravy for tea and, then later, made my Dad’s bed.



The day itself went well and, the college lesson well structured. Over the years I’ve done Health and Safety several times and though the laughter from the women on the table behind me was occasionally distracting.



That said, when it came to exam time, I was given the questions and felt confident enough to not be nervous, which I so-often am on those occasions. I scored twenty-five out of thirty, with a pass mark of twenty: so, not too shabby.



On the way home I called into ‘Beyond’ in Birkenhead and, a young lady in a 'head' shop [[gay I'm told: ‘twas rotten, I fancied her]] fancied my hat and, commented on it today.



Thin and, androgynous yet, feminine: with long hair… Mmmmmm.



It’s my most expensive item of clothing. And, has promoted such comments before.





I sat and watched the news with my Dad, with the news of Japan and, The Middle East and all that’s happening there, and then he told me that amongst all else that has happened, the Earth’s axis has changed by ten inches. No, to me that sounded like a lot, so I asked, “Where did you read that?”



And, sure enough, in a small article in Mondays Metro was an article saying as such. Now, that will affect us all, that is, if there is an ‘us all’, if there’s further explosions and, we’re all irradiated. ‘Just a passing thought.’


COMMENTS

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coffee-mate date

01:48 Mar 13 2011
Times Read: 932


From first thing in the morning I was intent on listening to my news on my little black transistor radio and the events in Japan. I was stunned to learn that there’s been an explosion at the reactor: with all the implications that could possibly mean.



I returned to sleep, for awhile, before rising, to go post a card to Australia; then go a long limp, to the Azda on the other side of Bromborough. When we’d gone on Friday we’d not got the Coffee Mate and, I just couldn’t envisage a week without my coffee-mate, so took Zoe’s card as an opportunity to blag my Dad into buying it for me, ‘as I was going to the Post Office’.



As I crossed the field adjacent to the store, the car park on my right, I noticed a circle of seagulls, all looking the way the wind had gone, with a few ahead of me, looking on, as if guarding them.



In the store, I found my coffee-mate fast enough, keeping a look-out for the psycho-hose beast who I noticed on Friday. I’ll swear down, to judge from her expression the last two times I’ve been there with Dad, ignoring her has been by the best option, since she played games with me; and I’ll swear down, I’ll wish I’d done it with that Pisces Psycho-hose beast I’d been engaged to.



It just seems some women know how to press all your buttons and enjoy doing so. All I can say Now, is that having learnt to identify them, a little better, tomorrow seems just that little bit brighter.



But I digress, I got to the till and made it at the same time as a fellow with a small shop, so I had held up my jar and said, ‘Do you mind?’ Whether or not he minded, I’d found myself in the queue behind a fellow with his weekly shop, ready to wait.



“Is that all you have?” the fellow before me had asked.

“Uh huh…” I’d replied.



“You go first fellow…” He’d told me.

Now I’ve had two, maybe three little old-ladies do such a things and, never a guy, so told him so. And, then we’d chatted about drinking, then coffee in the early hours.



As he seemed to understand that remark I said, “You have to be a musician or writer.”

“Writer…” he replied, as I paid for the coffee-mate.



As I walked away he looked at me and said with a smile, “Rock on.”



I’m blaming ‘the look’ on that one, the same ‘look’ that gets me labelled as one of the Gibbs brothers nowadays…



COMMENTS

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docs and the news

00:34 Mar 12 2011
Times Read: 936


I joined Dad to watch a documentary about the Warsaw uprising, during the war.

After it finished I stayed to watch the news with him, to see what happened after the Tsunami struck at Japan. The footage of Sendai was horrifying, as a town was virtually swept away and, I couldn’t get over how one small group of motorists were lucky enough to survive, as it struck, after a nearby riverbank broke and they were saved. As it was, the news of what happened at Fukashima was particularly disturbing, as it transpired that one of the four reactors was in danger and, that radioactive steam maybe released. After all has happened to the world toward the end of the last decade and, the beginning of this, one must ask: “Is the moons distance from the earth having an effect on our Earth? Was Nostradamus right about the end of the world, as we know it? Or, perhaps, finally the missiles we have tested under the sea have finally taken their toll?”


COMMENTS

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“I’m sorry” would have been more appropriate.

23:51 Mar 10 2011
Times Read: 942


I started the morning with a visit to my building society. Transpires that as I have no formal ID, proving that I am me is not easy, when it comes to ordering a new account book, after losing the previous one; and on my return from the village I had got the windows washed and, then the rain fell hard, albeit not for too long. In the afternoon, when it came to the walk to the dole to sign, on my inflamed knee-joint gave me a lot of gyp and, a walk that should have taken forty-five to fifty minutes had taken almost an hour and a half. That said, at the project Roger being impolite in the evening hadn’t been amusing. I’m sure talking of his back was his way of an apology, though “I’m sorry” would have been more appropriate.


COMMENTS

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DestroyingAngel
DestroyingAngel
08:04 Mar 11 2011

I definatley agree with that one, my friend.



Im sorry :(



*hugs*





 

Tuesday

15:32 Mar 08 2011
Times Read: 954


it's sunny.. I'd been weeding.. and preparing the afternoon meal, after a good walk...


COMMENTS

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the Nations Assets?

23:27 Mar 07 2011
Times Read: 963


On t.v. they’ve been glibly talking of selling off the nation’s assets, while the Royal Mail is being sold as are other areas of national interest, like our air control.



The previous sell-off of rail and the buses didn’t illustrate a point, it seems.



And meanwhile the bankers claim their bonuses, as reward for failure; meaning, they got us into the mess we’re in now, while we bailed them out.



How is that right? One banker gets 6 million as a bonus and another fourteen million; and this is while services are being cut, jobs are being cut and still, the bankers get a bonus, to reward their failure.



And, what answer do ‘they’ give, as to why they get the bonuses? “To attract the best staff…” Heck, if these are the best, hire someone from the dole, anyone: ‘coz these are the very people who got us in this mess: and what do we get as thanks for bailing out, these individuals, “the time for recrimination is over…” no, it’s not. It’s hardly begun.



After all, what reparation have these bankers made, for the mess they have got us into?



As to them getting jobs abroad? Well new EU regulations are affecting all bankers, so the only place for them is the Far East. And, besides them already having investment arms there already, I cannot envisage them taking on every banker, willing to lose whatever benefits they have accrued whilst working in this country.



Banker’s bonuses are obscene; simple as.



COMMENTS

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Nostagia lives on, regardless...

23:16 Mar 06 2011
Times Read: 969


I'm feeling cheesed off, bed early tonight. college tomorrow. 'n funny, been watching a programme 'bout the seventies, when I first went to college.. boy did I feel nostalgic, watching all that had meant so much, back then.



everyone likes a decade from their past ~ the seventies were mine.


COMMENTS

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ratty letters!

16:16 Mar 06 2011
Times Read: 974


My mates Mum has a tumour below her brain, so no visiting Karl for me on a Sunday.. so I've been writing ratty letters, to the chief exec of the hospital where my Mother died.


COMMENTS

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'Biloxi Blues', Men & romance...

16:02 Mar 06 2011
Times Read: 975


I’d mentioned 'Biloxi Blues' to a friend.

“It was a sad movie but the men knew how to talk to women.” A friend answered, “They knew how to be romantic somewhat. More than now in modern times.”

“I’ll tell you a secret.. a lot of women don't know how to be romantic now either.”

I reminded her.

“You're right. Most women don't. I'm not that great at it. But I think a beautifully written letter telling the one you love what they mean to you and how your love for them is more beautiful than the sun rising over the horizon can mean so much.” She had responded.

“…just wish that 'women' [[generalization]] recognised that men often want what they do.” I noted.


COMMENTS

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I couldn’t have wanted more… at my age **sighs**

13:57 Mar 03 2011
Times Read: 991


I woke up Wednesday feeling my age, which annoyed me. Yet, after listening to a male grey small bird in the tree above me trilling its song on the station platform, then brush at it’s fluffed out chest and, sing some more, my mood lightened a little.



Then I began to travel: and, on the bus met someone with facial piercing and brightly coloured hair, whose manner, look and style were a delight, to the eye and company.



And yes, I’d been traveling late, so knew I was late, to meet one person, then another. The mission had been a success and, I ended up with a few dvd’s made for me, one of which was a Batman amateur production, done in ‘Sin City’ style, with Predator and Alien as his adversary.



Though I’d started the day feeling old, got my day feeling better and got what I wanted.

I couldn’t have wanted more…


COMMENTS

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Electra
Electra
15:15 Mar 03 2011

Nice end to the day :)





MOONLITDREAM
MOONLITDREAM
23:32 Mar 05 2011

From one moment to another a mood can change with the simplest of things around you. The bird was a special moment that lightened an otherwise saddened mood.





 

...and several very large aspirin.

23:19 Mar 01 2011
Times Read: 1,000


It was a sunny day, so the walk to the village to attend to money hassles wasn’t a bad one... tho, by the time I finished, I needed a holiday and several very large aspirin.



Needless to say, I went travelling, taking my camera with me and encountered a whiskey on the way. But-boy, did my knees pay for it, in the evening.



That said, I did post my new story and, have the beginning of it successor part written.


COMMENTS

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MsMissy
MsMissy
23:44 Mar 01 2011

well at least you got your business squared away





MsMissy
MsMissy
23:44 Mar 01 2011

well at least you got your business squared away








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